February Is Heart Attack Month*

Posted February 18, 2015, under Gee Whillickers!

All right, we’ve probably all survived Valentine’s Day! Now let’s see if we can make it through the rest of the month!

So Many Food Days

* No, not really. But we’ve already noted in the last few weeks that there are a lot of “food” days in February. That might be true of other months as well, but we can’t get over the irony of a month of desserts coinciding with National Heart Health Month.

February 15

Coming in right after Valentine’s Day is of course Singles Awareness Day. The tongue-in-cheek holiday really ought to get as much traction as Valentine’s – just consider the possibilities! For example, it’s obviously cheaper to do literally anything by oneself. “Treat Yourself” industries like spas and gyms could and should completely own this day.

February 15th is also widely known as Cheap Candy Day. Gumdrops could be heavily featured in this as a palette cleanser after all the Valentine’s Day chocolate.

February 16

Presidents’ Day needs no help from us. We all know it’s been taken over by car manufacturers, who have apparently decided that political and war holidays are the best possible times to buy vehicles.

Of all the food-related Days in February, Almond Day is one of the very few that actually aligns with it being National Heart Month. Almonds are a heart-healthy food and are in fact already advertised as such.

One event we really want to see gain some traction is “Do a Grouch a Favor” Day.

If only because this one even has a built-in spokescritter.

February 17

The random acts of kindness are necessary to make up for the inclusion of cabbage in anyone’s diet. Sure, it’s technically healthy but cabbage is one of those foods that people only eat because it’s all they have.

Like several other February Days, the tie-in to National Heart Health Day is probably the best route to go. “Doing nice things for others makes your heart feel good — and so does exercise and a high-fiber, low-sodium diet.”

Rolls right off the tongue.

February 18

Battery Day is fortunately not a precursor to The Purge. It’s actually not about physical violence but power storage. One’s ad campaign should take pains to make that quite clear.

Foodies will rejoice at Crab Stuffed Flounder Day — places like Red Lobster really ought to make a point of advertising the dish. It’s not like everyone hasn’t been chowing down on rich food all month already.

February 19

As these things go, Chocolate Mint Day seems fairly innocuous. But after all of these “Food Days,” we can’t look at it and not think of the infamous Monty Python skit.

February 20

Okay, first off: If you need a special day to love your pet, then you are doing pet ownership wrong and that animal needs to be taken away from you.

Second: Cherry Pie Day is the Inception of February quasi-holidays, given that it’s both Cherry Month and American Pie Month. Pieception.

It’s also Warrant’s favorite day of the year. [citation needed]

February 21

Aaaand the week ends not with a bang but a groan as we are asked to consider yet another rich dessert. February has got to be trying to kill us. It’s a good thing it’s the shortest month. We couldn’t take much more of this.

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