More February Fun

Posted February 11, 2015, under Gee Whillickers!

All right, now we are in Week Two of February, and the Valentine’s advertising is heating up. Hearts, cherubs, stuffed animals, sweets, and expensive jewelry have all become nigh inescapable.

Except you totally can escape them, by observing all of these days instead:

February 8

Having Kite Flying Day in February seems oddly prescient. Whoever invented this had to have had global warming in mind, because right now we doubt the folks in Boston would have much interest.

This is Boston right now, courtesy of Elise Amendola/Associated Press.

Nevertheless, these two special days could work well together, at least in the Southwest (or in the Mad Max desert future). Photos of Boy Scouts flying kites! Stores could offer discounts on kites if you can show a merit badge, while piping in that Mary Poppins song that is probably now stuck in your head!

February 9

It figures that National Toothache Day falls on a Monday. This one is obviously a shoo-in for dental offices. They could hand out floss with little cards or something.

But Pizza Day and Bagel Day both being on February 9th is so indicative of the poor coordination that comes with assigning special days. Coffee houses and bakeries actually do already have special bagel offerings or deals, so people can observe Bagel Day for breakfast.

But then they also have to have pizza for lunch or dinner (and presumably nurse a toothache, while cleaning out their computer). That’s a lot of carbs, man.

There’s a solution, of course. Someone could make a killing with these.

We hope the toothache part doesn’t come true, though. Those suck.

February 10

With National Cream Cheese Brownie Day, February continues its nefarious plan to turn us all into extras in Wall-E.

Umbrella Day, like Kite Day, is idiotic to hold in February. Why is this not in April, the month most associated with rainy weather? Is it because some shadowy Umbrella Cabal wants people to buy their rain protection two months in advance? For what possible reason?

Some of these Special Days do not hold up well to any kind of scrutiny.

February 11

This day has all the makings of a full-scale catastrophic disaster. Picture the white-shirted hordes determined to make friends by visiting shut-ins (who, let us remember, just want to be left alone) and, because there is no crying over spilled milk, they get too insistent. Hijinks ensue.

Actually, in the right hands that would be a pretty entertaining movie. Like zombies, except it’s really just a bunch of well-meaning and possibly lonely people. We’re taking options, Hollywood.

Sponsored by York’s Peppermint Patties.

February 12

Lincoln’s Birthday doesn’t really need any advertising help. As far as we know, any observances have been folded into President’s Day anyway.

February 13

Okay, seriously, February: you are a very unhealthy month. At least tortellini isn’t a dessert, but even the least health-conscious among us must be feeling a bit gluttonous by now.

The other special day is a rogue holiday, in that it’s not actually stuck to February. Instead, it is observed on the first Friday the 13th of every year. Having it land before the Hallmark Buy Things for Your Significant Other Day is a sure sign of a capricious and slightly sadistic god (or, you know, statistical probability – but let’s just observe this one a little early, for fun).

February 14

We suspect whoever was behind the scheduling of Organ Donor Day wanted to capitalize on all the hearts being thrown around.

Not a half-bad idea. Someone could do a promotion: Sign up to be an organ donor and get a free ride on a Ferris Wheel with a cream-filled chocolate and your valentine.

If you don’t have a valentine, we’ll pair you up with someone. Don’t worry, we won’t stage a freakish Ferris Wheel accident so as to collect early. That would be wrong.

Creeptastic trivia: This Ferris Wheel is in Pripyat, the abandoned city near Chernobyl.

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